So today I finally know for certain that I'm going home by the end of April. Two jobs which I applied didn't follow through (kept telling myself, a colleague had to send 35 applications before getting the one she's having now, so if I'm only sending out 5 applications so far, I shouldn't be too depressed). I guess the first shock is when the first job application didn't follow through (I knew approx. 3 weeks ago). I always try to keep my expectation low enough (the principle is, send an application, and don't focus on the result, focus on the next job to apply!) and I really really hate feeling not knowing and especially being in Germany adds the complication of having to apply for visa extension, so my head is split into two, preparing both scenarios of getting the job and what if not, and if you ever went through visa application here, you'll know what I mean. I mean most of the time, I went out fine. My German is relatively okay for them to reply rather friendly, especially because I almost always have appointments (they seemed nicer when I do that). But I hate the degrading looks and gestures from the bullish looking men who usually tend the queue. AAAH just thinking about it makes me feel so angry.
That said, truly, I will really miss Berlin, my home for the last 4.5 years. It's weird because I know special crooks and corners of it. Which exit will get me off nearest to the elevator in Friedrichstrasse, the nearest ATMs, the cinemas (like one time I remember a friend said that xxx cinema is in ** location, and I answered, no... it's in xyz location, but she insisted, so I opened my phone, aaaand voila. Please don't underestimate my movie related knowledge... that's something I feel I'm totally good at. Hahaha), mapping the u-bahn and s-bahn in my head, the bookshops, etc. And, Berlin is especially open compare to other German cities, and the expat friendly, or foreigner friendly feel is really comforting. It's a city which had taught me that people with so many different background can live together nicely! An Indonesian colleague once wrote how it's weird how Berlin doesn't feel like 'Germany anymore' because there are so many foreigners, but I really thought that that's exactly the best quality of the city!
But my heart is really partially home. I miss the homely comfort I feel in Asia. I just read an email from Aneta describing her current experience in Korea and how open and welcoming life is, there. And even though my sister and I aren't the most social person in Indonesia, as I grow older, I really feel that familial nearness, is important to me. Life is short, and I want to be around people I love most. In addition, mbak Dian is also going home this end of March, so imagine that, mom, dad, sister, pseudo sister, husband, are allll at home. I kept questioning myself what the hell am I doing here all alone? I've talked about it often with fellow Asian friends, or especially with Aneta, how the cultural difference is something I feel strongly after years being here. If it's about being 'westernized', I think I'm westernized enough. But, I guess, the overall easy going feel is probably what I'm missing. I'm always afraid that I'll make mistakes socially. Even after 4.5 years being here, I always feel awkward about showing that I have to pray 5 times a day. Now that my usual praying spot will be transformed into an office, I guess it's best time to go. I don't wanna do it outside because I remember people in my office thinking it's so weird that one of my colleague usually do it outside during summer time. But I totally understand. It's so awkward doing it in the office where people come in and go, and then you have to explain, or I still recall it clearly how it was being thought to be some form of military practice??
The other thing which worries me is the raising of the right wing. Imagine if Trump wins. How happy those right wing people will be (I read news about a poll last Sunday in which right wing parties won quite big. Or the demonstration downtown attracts 3 times more than expected anti-immigration protesters). There are plenty of liberals, but with other issues pressuring from here and there, and the economic threat, and I just finished a book about how 'people will never learn', how long people can sustain the looming threat? Already, travelling outside Berlin worries me a lot. 'Random' security/id check. I just watched a vid about Eindhoven fans throwing and teasing Roman Gypsy women with money (because they usually beg to get money), and yes there are so many nice people around, nobody bat an eye if I order food etc in the regular restaurants or cafe here in Berlin, but these bullish people scares me. Just last week I was taking a friend around the city and some young youth was yelling and screaming and when I passed, one of them screamed at me. I reminded myself to ignore it, remembering that prophet Muhammad said, "be patient, be patient, be patient", and plenty tiny other things which I have to endure, especially from people outside the city (this usually happened in touristic area where people clearly aren't Berliners) which I'm too afraid to confirm because it stressed me out thinking how people can be racist towards people they don't know. And I've read how Jewish people were evicted from Nazi Germany back in 1938, and all the European countries closed their borders which ended up with the Holocaust, and looking at the trend now, it seems some people will never learn! But here I'm touching to an issue which I'm not truly understanding. After all, I'm no European, so I can't really say my opinion because who am I to say anything.
But I am grateful, that I still have a home which is relatively safe, there in Indonesia. We might be not so rich (HAHA wait, I think Jakarta monthly expenses is worse than Berlin), and we have our own problems, but we don't have wars, right? (hopefully never) The young people seems to be more tolerant and open minded and more critical towards the establishment, so that's good as well right? There are some bad news, but there are plenty exciting news as well right? I can still try to find a job in Southeast Asia or East Asia which is a combination of good food + relaxing surrounding + relatively okay science, right? I'm not that great anyway, so if I'm doing academia, I think moderate level would be fine by me. I stocked quite enough book to supply me for some years. I think I have to start taking responsibility, and less having too much fun (HAHAHA). I realized, that I just reached my dreams, but now that's done, maybe I should try to find new things to dream and aim for. I met a friend (a Chinese) which I talked a lot about these issues, and she said "I wonder how these people (Chinese settling down in Berlin) can do it? Wouldn't they feel lonely? Even when living here, their friends are fellow Chinese. It's not that they blend in with Europeans, so why leave home to be so isolated?" and I guess, some people can do it, or chose to do it, but I really really feel that I miss my home of islands which I haven't even truly explored yet (the year is 2016, I'm FREAKING 31, and I never even been to Bali. Haha). And I know I will miss Berlin in return. But... I can't say it pretty well, let me just write a quote from the book Underground, Haruki Murakami which hits home:
p. 204
" The time I spent abroad, wandering about trying to come to terms with myself, was coming to an end - or so I gradually realized. I could feel the change inside me, an on-going "revaluation" of my values. I was, to understate the obvious, no longer that young. And by the same token, I suddenly knew I was entering the ranks of that generation with a "vested duty" towards Japanese society.
"Time for me to be heading back to Japan," I thought. Go back and do one solid work, something other than a novel, to probe deep into the heart of my estranged country. And in that way, I might reinvent a new a stance for myself, a new vantage-point."
Well said, Mr Murakami. Thank you.
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